Imitation of Life

notes on the last year

I’ve been sitting on the draft of this newsletter for a week, wondering if I’ll post it. It’s long, I spent time on it, and yet as I re-read the draft I wonder why am I doing this? What am I trying to get out of this?

Which has been a theme for the last several weeks. I can’t tell if I have been anti-social for the better half of this year, or if I’ve had a spiritual awakening.

I can’t tell if I am so deeply messed up that I need trauma therapy to undercover things I cannot see or if I am so deeply self aware that I am literally… fine.

A few years ago I heard a woman share a story about how she reached a new level of consciousness. After whatever it was that she’d been going through, she basically evolved into a new version of herself, and she leveled up. Not in an egotistical way, quite the opposite really. She shed a layer in an ego death, and she evolved a level ‘up’ in her consciousness. And it felt unfamiliar.

She explained it really well— like, if she’d been standing on the ground floor for several years, she now felt as though she’d ascended a staircase up one level, and was on the second floor. Nothing earth shattering, just one level up. But when you level up, and you look out the window of the metaphorical house, the view looks different on the second floor. And a different view takes getting used to, and it can be uncomfortable.

It’s been a year since I posted a newsletter, and I don’t know if I leveled up. Well, that’s not true. I have, but I feel weird saying it, it sounds very Girl Boss culture and that shit makes me want to vomit. I’ve done more inventory and I’m not looking at things the way I used to.

Around this time last year I was getting little whispers from my universe that something had to change, and I couldn’t tell what that something was yet. I just knew I had to eliminate whatever noise I heard that was distracting me from the whispers, and I had to only do the things that felt good and avoid the things that didn’t feel good.

Anyway, like I said, my last post for this newsletter was a year ago. In September I’d started reading a short story collection called Prodigals by an author named Greg Jackson that I never finished. The writing and style was so good, but I was feeling so disenchanted with my entire personal life, so I gave up reading it, and, reading in general, for a few months. Even though I’d had the goal of posting here monthly to review a book I’d read and create a playlist inspired by the book, I was burnt out and uninspired.

I was sick of reading, and posting, and divulging so much vulnerability in my posts. I re-read a few of them recently and I can’t believe how honest I was.

Honesty, or rather the lack of honesty, is something I don’t fuck around with. I either tell the truth, or I keep my mouth shut.

But in the last year or so I’ve been more discerning with how I spend my time, who I spend that time with, and what I say. And spilling my guts to 80+ Substack readers wasn’t it.

And yet here I am, back at it again. I’m a neurotic perfectionist who wondered for a second Do I need to re-brand this thing? Change the name? Update the logo? and then I said who cares? It’s just one post.

I’ll pretend it’s my Livejournal. God I miss those days.

The fall and winter of last year are a blur, but during that time I knew as the new year rolled around I needed to eliminate any distractions that fractured whatever kept me anchored to me. I deleted Facebook (lol) and eventually Twitter, which was very difficult for me.

Twitter was the center of my cultural universe. I’d curated my timeline to be a pristine pulse of the cultural commentary that interested me. I still think Twitter is a perfect medium, in theory, but it just became too frustrating. And feeling frustrated about an app on my phone is a waste of time, so I eventually got rid of it.

The only thing that kept me in the loop of deactivating and reactivating my Twitter account for months before I actually deleted it permanently was wondering how I’d stay in touch with social commentary and people that are actually funny? Like, with the things going on that the internet knows about but like, very few actual people in my real life know about? This was a serious concern for me. I’m not fully prepared to write out what the value prop is for my identity, but, being someone who tends to know a little about everything and the things that are going on, that are considered zeitgeist-y, that’s important to me.

But it’s equally important to me to feel a soul connection with myself, to get quiet, to separate the static from the noise of my brain and the blood and oxygen that pumps through my veins, and social media was eroding that thread to conscious contact so I got offline (for the most part.) I still delete and re-download Instagram consistently, but Instagram still scratches my astrology itch, so I tolerate it for now. But not for much longer.

Not that I came on here to post about deleting Twitter, because nobody cares. And since I have been off of it for 3 months, I don’t miss it.

Here’s what been occupying my time since January.

I started an incredible new job. Travel, new friends, a lot more money, a lot more satisfaction. I re-did The Artists Way. Morning pages, daily meditation, and a lot of solitude has sharpened my desire to write, though I am pivoting to a screenplay where I will explore my talent with dialogue, setting a scene, and putting my experience on the page. I spent time in the Catskills, California, and had a great summer. I’ve been reading a lot, too.

Reading

I read Animal in January, and it was great. I tore through it in a few days, mainly because it was so compelling and well written. I am a big fan of Lisa Taddeo, her first book Three Women was incredible (it’s going to be a show on Showtime which I’m psyched for even though Sheilene Woodly is a no for me). I found this book to be tad predictable, nothing surprised me, I knew what was happening a few chapters before the reveals started, but overall this book about a flawed female with themes of rage, revenge, anger, power, underestimation and sex is really good. I loved it.

I was dying to re-read a Bret Easton Ellis novel after devouring his serialized audio novel The Shards last November. I’d only read Lunar Park once, when it was published in 2006, and I remember the last two pages causing me to cry. So I read it again 16 years later and I love Bret. I love his writing, I love his style, I love the way he tells a story. I think this book could use some editing, but it’s still brilliant, and while I didn’t love it as much a second time around, I am someone who has followed Bret’s career closely all of my life, and especially in the last 9 years as I have listened to his podcast. Re-reading Lunar Park and passages in it that exactly replicate passages in The Shards and stories he has shared on his pod over the years simply thrills me. I love witnessing his hidden in plain sight literary world.

I liked this book a lot. It was so niche. I let a friend borrow it when I was done— she didn’t get it and stopped reading it. You either do, or you don’t— if anything I wrote about Twitter above resonated with you, you’ll get this book. Maybe not? Anyway, it was about existing in the real world and dipping into the void of being online. It was also about being an aunt, which, if you know me at all, is an extremely special role in my life. It was also short, and precise, and wonderful.

Brad Listi’s book was really great. I truly loved it. I would have loved it had I not known that Brad is an earnest, sincere, truly wonderful person and human being. I knew this about him from my very brief interactions with him when he was still editing The Nervous Breakdown and he accepted some of my work, and I of course listened to his podcast for years. Brad has a way of taking thoughts and using alchemy to form them into fluid prose. I read his stuff and I think, I feel that way too. So there’s kinship. But those private thoughts he writes down seemingly belonged to only me, and in a way I didn’t even realize exactly what they were until— he wrote it, fully formed, on the page. He is brilliant. He took his time. This book’s worth it.

Last month on vacation I read Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler. I was surprised at how much I liked it. Stephanie Danler was on the Bret Easton Ellis podcast and she was a great guest. Writers on his pod usually are, but, she was refreshing because she sounded like someone I could hang out with, and, I was going to California, and I only read fluff on vacation, and this actually wasn’t fluff. I haven’t finished anything since Sweetbitter — I finished it in a few days while in Lake Tahoe. My book wishlist is growing, and I could easily read another novel that’s been on my bookshelf or simply buy another one, but I am refraining for now. My current goal is to begin baking pies, and I am been studying the art of pie crust for months and this is the only book I’ve been into:

Last month, before I left for Lake Tahoe, a generally kind woman that I don’t know very well told me about a cafe I should check out on my trip to California. I responded that we’d check it out if we could, but I knew I wouldn’t even bother to look it up. I had reservations for our entire trip booked weeks in advanced. I always have reservations booked in advanced. We always eat at excellent restaurants with great food. I like researching vacations, places to stay, eat, shop, things to do. I generally don’t ask people for recommendations. On anything.

This goes for regular day to day life, too, and it’s not limited to restaurants. I think I have great taste in both high and low brow experiences and I don’t know how else to say it. I wish there was a word to describe someone who knows what they like, what they want, and where to find it, because that’s me. If you know what word encapsulates that, please share it with me.

Unsolicited suggestions become annoying when I am subjected to friends or randoms during dinner party conversation trying to convince me to watch the dumb tv show they just streamed. The boring echo-chamber about popular content is inevitable, and I used to voice a reason as to why I didn’t care to watch The Handmaids Tale or Black Cloud, but nobody ever took my ‘no’ for an answer, so now I just say thanks I’ll check it out and then change the subject to something else.

Of course, I have people in my life who are cool and who like cool things, so it’s not as though I won’t seek out or take a recommendation from a select few. There are people I trust implicitly, and friends who know me so well they’d know if something was particularly my style. But my social life has changed dramatically in this post pandemic world, my social circle has become very small.

For about two years, the joy I used to get from scrolling my phone has been replaced with podcasts. Another word for this ‘joy’ is probably subconscious numbing out. My air pods are in my ears when I’m doing dishes, cooking dinner, cleaning, taking walks, working. I use a podcast to fall asleep, too.

My favorite podcasts are usually two friends talking to each other, or a solo host talking into the void, directly to me. Here are some of the podcasts I don’t want to live without.

Sexy Unique Podcast

Lara Marie Schoenhals and Carey O’Donnell host Sexy Unique Podcast. It started as a podcast that recapped Vanderpump Rules — Lara had guests on each week to join her— Noami Fry, Ed Doste, Allyn Morse. Carey came on as her cohost in 2019 and they’re absolute magic together.

I pay to listen to this podcast on Patreon. I give them my money. The show’s evolved into recapping shows like High Society, Gallery Girls, And Just Like That, among others, but the Bravo-centric theme permeates the pod and conversation between Carey and Lara is extremely smart, funny, and intelligent. These two feel like my best fucking friends. They post 3 x a week— the current roster is a weekly recap of Jersey Shore season 1, the current season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and a weekly bonus episode.

I equally love the comments section of the podcast Patreon page, it’s turned into my sole source of social media and I love all the other commentators there.

How Long Gone

Chris Black and Jason Stewart started How Long Gone in March 2020. This is the lamest brag I’ll ever say, but I was an early adopter to this podcast (who the fuck cares? Yet.. I do) because I knew Chris as a frequent guest on the aforementioned Sexy Unique Podcast and I liked him even though he’s an asshole, I think he’s charming. I found him endearing because he said the only person he’d ever been star struck over was Josh Flagg, who he spotted at Coachella, and I could relate. Anyway these two talk about everything, their taste is aspirational, and they’re dicks and they make me laugh.

Not Really

Hosted by Patrik Sandberg, probably the coolest person alive, and Paul Cupo, equally cool. They’re both extremely talented men who have an extensive career in fashion. This podcast is the epitome of a scene report for everything that’s cool. Not Really stopped recording in April and thankfully, host Paul Cupo started a new podcast last week and all of the old recordings of Not Really are back up on the RSS feed link. This pod breaks down key cultural moments over the time period when New York didn’t suck wide open ass, a.k.a. before 2010. They are the smartest people I have ever heard speak. They have incredible chemistry and they have a way of weaving their humor and disdain into every topic. They don’t take themselves too seriously. They’re respected fashion industry icons who do not care what anyone says about them. They’re free, so, they shit they say is holy water. This is rare.

The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast

Bret talk with guests about movies, culture, writing, and fame. I could listen to this man read the phone book with his velvety affect-less voice. I’m obsessed with him. If you know you know and if you don’t I feel bad for you.

Bimbo Summit

Heather Jewett is the host, she’s a writer who I know of— she also went to Mors Tua Vita Mea in Italy, like I did, and we have mutual friends. We follow each other but have literally never spoken, and yet, I heard her on the Dial #Dan podcast (which I also pay for— he is incredible I adore him and truly wish we were friends) and she was so funny and smart I said why the fuck not and now I give this lady $5 a month to hear Patreon too.

So I am listening in reverse episode order to this raw, emotional, enlightened, tender woman experience a break up. This feels odd to say but it’s the best thing I have listened to all year. She is perfect human being on the air in the realest way. Her insight and ability to be very messy in an honest way is seriously captivating and I’m seriously enchanted by her, and rooting for her.

This entire post and I haven’t divulged what the universe was whispering at me to figure out because, I haven’t fully formed or figured it out yet. But I will.

Thank you for reading. Until next time.

xoxo, Lauren