New Year's Day

In my head I do everything right.

I woke up today with a slight headache, and I drank four Advil with my iced coffee before I left for my meditation meeting. I thought it was a little unfair to wake up with a pain in my skull when I have not had a drink in 11 years and I don’t want a hangover feeling, but there’s more than one way to look at things, and at least it wasn’t an actual hangover, it was just a simple headache which is now gone. And there’s too much pain and suffering going on in the world to really spend too much time worrying about my existential bullshit. It can get 10-15 minutes at the most but then I need to shift my view.

Last year was very unexpected. And I went into it with not so much expectations, but definite markers of things I was looking forward to and places I wanted to be. Which is essentially, expectations, and the delusion that I think I control, or have power, over any outcome. I know that the only thing I have power over is my attitude, and the things I take action on. I had a lot of travel, sandy beach vacations in Cape Charles, Ocean Grove, Charleston, Savannah, Sea Island, Bradley Beach. I wanted all of them, and as each one passed it was a mental check mark that this thing I wanted and deserved had happened, and we could move along to the next thing.

As soon as vacation ended in August, my plans to go to Italy got cancelled. My dad was in intensive care, he went into septic shock, I said goodbye to him in an ER, and he still pulled through, though his cancer is stage 4. He is doing okay though. I think.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer then too, and plans to stay with her and help her and be there fully present for her chemo was thwarted when my husband landed in the ER for a week, was put on work leave, and then scheduled for heart surgery in November, during my birthday. Best gifts I got this year was his quitting smoking, his heart and lungs in perfect health.

Here’s my baby a few days after surgery— after he was taken off life support and some of the tubes were removed, and only some remained, and he was able to sit in a chair. We stayed at NYL hospital for a full week. It was terrifying the first couple days. I don’t know if I have fully processed it.

I could go on and talk about the other gifts, the things I am choosing to view as gifts (again, there is more than one way to look at things) but I won’t get too deep into it. I’ll say this— I started my year making amends to people I am very close to, and as a result I was able to witness how my life, and my relationships, expanded deeper in love due to these amends. Also, toward the end of the year was able to witness how I still— very much— resort to getting defensive and petty when I feel attacked or scrutinized by those I am close to, and I really, really want to work on this. I want to be gentle while I work on it, but I feel like my awareness about it is no longer enough. I want to dig deeper. I don’t know how to exactly, but I am on a waiting list to do some intensive deep dive on this matter with Jamie Stein, an intuitive whose work and approach to growth is very attuned to my own beliefs and practices. I am vibing with him over email and I hope he lets me cut the line and takes a session with me sooner rather than later. But I can be patient. I guess.

My 2024 Plans:

These are loose, but it’s still what I have so far.

Social media is out. I deleted Instagram off my phone, I am logged out. I didn’t deactivate, I don’t need to, I have the will power to not log in. It will be hard for a few days— how will I link to this substack for possible new readers if I don’t go on Instagram? I need to let that go. I have been off Twitter for years, Facebook too is out, and I have weened myself off of my precious, favorite Patreon comments sections (mainly for the Sexy Unique Podcast, my baby) but I want to be online less, focus more on hibernation, the gray of January, and writing and reading.

Poems are in. I have written four in 5 weeks, and I am going to try to write one a week for a year. I am also like, I won’t show anyone, I won’t submit anywhere, when I want to take one I wrote about Steve and like, I assume it will go to The New Yorker or something and if not there maybe Split Lip.

Where do people submit poetry? Who caressss Lauren??!! My point is I want to write a poem a week for a year and keep it to myself, revise, nurture, let it breath, stop trying for ego, attention, all that bullshit. And fight an urge to submit my love poem. Or submit it and stop being so hard on myself.

Hydration, working on hip opener exercises on YouTube, joining a pilates studio— these are all being added to my current disciplines for daily ritual (which includes morning pages, meditation, walks in nature daily if I can, a quick written 11th step in an adorable little leather bound notebook that’s barely bigger than my iPhone).

Hip openers are hard and I gave up last year on them but I am trying again. I joined a little Pilates studio because I have the money to do it and putting my earnings towards my health will help me in multiple ways, mainly getting this 45 year old body in progressed shape and it will mean less extra money for restaurants, books, amazon.com— all things I am allowed to spend on, but less. Less.

Shutting the fuck up. I want to talk less. I want to listen more. I am going to try. THis won’t be easy for me.

Anyway. That’s it for today. For this post I mean. Maybe I’ll write more, maybe I won’t. I try to make these things too perfect (and they never are) and yet this post was all stream of conscience and it’s fine. I probably won’t even re-read for typos.

Today I am headed out for a walk alone, I am going to write a poem, I am going to make chili cheese hot dogs with my husband, I am going to eat ice cream before bed and I am going to see my nephews. Not a bad day.

I was going to linked one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs (New Year’s Day) but instead want to link this Lorde performance.

Her intensity is how I imagine my amateur, new, baby, beginner poems electrify the page. I have really big ideas. About who I am and what I do.

I like that about myself.

Be good to yourself this year. This week, even. Go slow with me.